I don't think you should do anything hastily. I'm 34 and have been with my husband since I was 17; we have three children.
As such, we have grown up together and our relationship has gone through at least four different stages.
There were times after I had my second child when I really didn't feel any attraction or love for him, but we rode it out for the sake of the children. Now we are in a completely different phase; happy and in love again, spending time together and with the children. Vitally, we have our own interests and projects.
Our relationship is based on affection and respect - important emotions after the initial buzz has gone. What makes you think another relationship would be better? Or being on your own? Your husband is not unkind or abusive and there is a chance that your feelings will change again. Give it more time. Channel your resentment into doing something for yourself. If you can face it, find some simple sex guides for long-term relationships.
Once you get past the dodgy jargon, they can change your life. Name and address withheld. My husband was a nice man but I didn't love him. I avoided sex as much as possible and felt degraded and worthless when I had to please him.
I felt trapped and guilty for wanting a different life, so I stayed for the sake of the children and gave up a lot of myself for a long time. I read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and finally summoned up the courage to leave when the children were teenagers; they knew things between us were not right. Your children will benefit from living in an honest, loving environment rather than one where you are trying to make things right when they can't be. Your husband is selfish for wanting you to behave in a way that suits him; you know how you feel, better than your counsellor does.
Be true to yourself; in the long run it is the only way in which you will be happy. I am stuck in a situation where do I want to be miserable in a loveless marriage, or do I want to be miserable and single because I will be harassed constantly? My husband is a very large guy and a restraining order will not stop him.
I have also tried to seek help and he refuses to get help. The truth is, a restraining order in just a piece of paper.
It can be helpful to have, however. If you have a restraining order and he violates it, he can end up in jail. After that happens once or twice, your husband may be much more inclined to respect it. So, how to choose?
It starts by making an informed decision. That means you have to understand how divorce works and know your options. Then you have to learn about your options for saving your marriage. It will take a TON of work — deep work inside yourself. You can get a divorce whether he agrees or not. He can choose to be a jerk in the divorce, and afterward. This blog is amazing and quite helpful. Topics like this hit home for me because I have a best friend who is married give or take 6 years.
Her husband is a real work of art read between the lines and not supportive of her at all. There has been an affair in the marriage a few years after having a child-they married when she was pregnant about a year after college. So quite fast for my speed. We went from communicating every day all day to here and there now. Shes lost her voice and is more configurable getting walked over to avoid arguments and getting the work of art husband upset. It hurts so much because in I left an abusive relationship.
I moved to her home 2 hours away from my own son to be in a safe place for me. I felt guilty for years for leaving my son for 9 months. And I knew that my X only had it out for me, not my son. I knew my son would have more stability with his father. I no longer live in fear of him and out communication is WAY better.
There always work to be done, my growth is constantly evolving. What I want for my best friend is to find her voice and self-worth. She lives in a marriage where her husband sees no problem-so there is no issue to fix.
I know that took work! As for your friend, while your heart is in the right place, you have to let your friend live her own life. When she is ready to make a change, she will. But if you want to support your friend the best thing you can do at the moment is to be her emotional support.
You can also talk about your own experiences with her. That may help too. This is a great post. I have been married for 42 years. Trying to get him to talk to me, trying to get him to notice me, trying to get him to love me as I did him.
Yes, I was in denial. No one in my family has ever divorced! We were married two years when we had a fight he suggested we divorce! I was shocked. I think it was indicative of his commitment.
Now I see. I found out the Fall of that he misused a ton of marital assets. What that a mistake. To sum up, I filed for divorce January Which I cannot prove, so tough luck to me.
If it helps, denial is a powerful force. I have to figure it out or the window on the rest of my life will close. The last Decision Day Retreat for is being held on September All 10 signs fit for me. My wife has a nasty attitude. Nags all day. She got super fat and I am in shape. I found your article helpful and informative. We have been married 18 years and the last 3 pretty much without love, on my part.
We have discussed divorce but its nothing he wants, he claims hes still fully committed and in love with me. We dont have kids, but live a great lifestyle, due to his income. Its not a bad relationship, we can have fun at times, but still I feel like there could be more. So, Ive been feeling bad about myself, if I make the decision to stay based on his love for me and both of our loves for the life we live, knowing I am not in love with him he knows this , does it make me a bad person or is it just a personal choice?
Honestly, although Im not in love with him I do care for him and I dont really want to start over at this point in life. He says hes ok with me just being here and in his life, but will he reach an end to that? So if we both make the decision to stay rather than divorce, is it a bad idea or is it just a choice?
Everything is a choice. Your life is — and will continue to be — determined by the choices you make. The same thing is true for your husband. Or are you letting inertia make your choice for you?
Btw, either one is okay. The question is, are you doing that consciously or not? Is that the way you want to live your life? If not, if you want to be the driver of your life, then you may want to take a look at your life and start choosing what you want more deliberately. Does staying make you a bad person? The opinion that matters most to you is YOUR opinion. You might want to look at what YOU believe, and what you think of yourself and your lifestyle.
It just IS. My wife had an extended affair with family friend and then took our 4-year old with her as she moved in with her lover and his family for an extended period of time — I did not want our son to grow up a the child of divorced parents as I had……..
I have become little more than a door mat, recently found out that my wife still is in a heart felt relationship with the same guy, even thou geography and her illnesses no longer allow her to be intimate. We never talk about real things, only meals, weather and politics, no hand holding had had no sex in almost 15 years………. I hope it gets better. Life is certainly not easy. While I have been blessed with a great job 3 wonderful children, and many other wonderful things in life; my marriage of 26 years has been a disaster.
Where did my marriage go wrong? Our best days are when the other one is away from home. I am 55 now, and well beyond those years when I used to cry myself to sleep at night, because I was so miserable.
The constant thoughts of leaving and rare thoughts of suicide are gone now. No more feeling sorry for myself. The window of opportunity has closed. Your life may not be the way you envisioned it would be. I found your article rang true to me. I honestly thought we had a very strong marriage and would be in love forever. Yet no significant fighting. I feel like I do a lot for her and our family while still working a lot of hours to support us.
We speak about the kids, the house, and finances primarily. Never about us. I need to take the next step of having a difficult conversation and I hope she will talk about it this time.
Be vulnerable. But tell your wife how you really feel. Ask her to tell you what you did or are doing wrong that bothers her. Yes, this is even more scary! It will only make it worse. Let her talk and talk. Do NOT get defensive. Just listen. Being open and honest is hard.
It opens you up to pain. Will it work? I wish I could give you a guarantee. But there are no guarantees in love or in life. The one thing it WILL do is let you know where you stand.
Hi Brad. You are the male version of me. How i wish i could meet you. Why did we marry the wrong people? I have been married for 5 years coming up on July 24th and we have been together for I feel as though we are nothing more than roommates he has a good job but is terrible with money I am not working right now but when I was we went half on everything.
In January of this year he admitted that he was cheating which makes his second affair in our short marriage. He plays on my feelings and sends mixed signals all the time.
I removed all of his things from our bedroom he sleeps in the living room but occasionally eases back in the bedroom but there is no intimacy at all. I am so lonely he barely says 20 words to me on most days and rarely says goodbye when he leaves for work. He is joined at the hip with his phone.
He pays absolutely no attention to me. It seems like the question you want to ask right now is: What do you want? And, perhaps more importantly, why are you staying with someone who is treating you so badly? Will the money you make be as good as what he makes? No mention of suicide. If you know of any, please share. Absolutely, I have been in a sexless marriage for 35 years following the birth of our first daughter. She had a sexual affair for over two years and then after telling me it was completely over it continued for another two years, before children.
She never kept the house clean even the most minimal way. Barely cooked just bought takeout. Now that I am retired due to illness, and she has been told by several doctors to become sexually active with me to help me heal, she refuses to do anything. She basically refuses to do anything with me unless it includes her family.
We offer these five practical steps you can take to create a life worth living even if you are in a loveless marriage. We talked about the dangers of living separate lives above.
It DOES mean you do not allow their failure to determine your success in life. Hobbies and extra-curricular activities shift your focus and gives you and emotional break from the inner conflict marital dysfunction causes.
The goal is to avoid letting your marriage problems become the center-piece of your life. Buidling a life for yourself is about finding things you enjoy outside of your marriage. It does not mean you ignore problems in your relationship. One way to do this is to think about the alternatives to staying in your marriage. What would happen IF you decided to end it? What would your life look like?
There is pain in ending a relationship. Your external circle of friends changes. The family dynamic is different. You need to know that. The point I want to make is to focus on gratitude. You will always find better solutions if you focus on positive things rather than negative ones. The problem with that is there is always something more to want. Spirituality is one fo the four pillars of a healthy marriage.
A recent study from Harvard University measured the health and well-being to religious and spiritual beliefs prayer, church attendance, meditation, etc. These findings are important for both our understanding of health and our understanding of parenting practices.
Many children are raised religiously, and our study shows that this can powerfully affect their health behaviors, mental health, and overall happiness and well-being. Keep a strong spiritual connection to God.
Study after study validates that a connection to God helps you maintain perspective and a positive mental and emotional well-being. We are spiritual beings. Not biological balls of energy. I believe that since we were created in the image of God, we are never more alive than when we are connecting to God through prayer, and connecting with our spouse on a spiritual level.
Connecting to God is more than daily bible study, prayer, or meditation. Those things are vehicles to help you connect with God. They are not the goal. The real goal is knowing God as your source and finding your identity in the fact that you were created in His image and therefore have value. Knowing you are loved by God is the ultimate experience of being loved.
It is where our true identity is formed. When you know you are loved by God you have a sense of security, acceptance and value that anchors your life to something immoveable. Even healthy relationships need friends. While a healthy marriage should be the place where most of our emotional, spiritual, and physical needs are met, there are man people who manage to have their relationship needs met out of their bad marriage. It is not ideal, but it is possible to have fulfilling relationships with friends even when your spouse chooses to disconnect.
We are made for connection with others. So, grow your friendships. Refuse to allow your spouse to control your emotional state; take responsibility for your life by building connections with others who add value and meaning to your life.
There is one caveat to this: Avoid the potential pitfalls of moving too far in the opposite direction. The goal is to build a life for yourself where you can find healthy, meaningful relationships even if your spouse is detached.
Remember, it is not about withholding love from your spouse, or getting even. It is about your personal well-being. Friendships help YOU find fulfilling and meaningful connections in life. Investing in others helps you focus outward. Friendships are for you. Investing in others is for…others. By investing in others we are getting out of our own problems by helping others with theirs.
This does four things:. All of this has to be connected to continuing to invest and work on your marriage. These things do not replace your marriage, they supplement it.
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